25 September 2009

Domestic Violence or Just an Argument?

Cross Posted from: Obstreperous Expressions

I have noticed recently, well over the last several months, that more and more instances of domestic violence where police are called in are being reported as arguments or fights. This has really gotten to me. When it is domestic violence there is not a mutual fight nor is there a mutual argument most of the time.

Domestic Violence has a pattern to it. To see the cycle of abuse wheel go here:http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/Learning%20to%20Recognize%20Abuse.pdf The first page has the three stages of abuse on it with details and the second page shows the Power and Control Wheel.

Domestic Violence is about control, or as some say power, either way it is the same. It does not happen because the finances are tight or someone is stressed out. Those things can make a person lash out at loved ones, yes. However, those things are not what prompts an abuser. The wanting to control another person is what drives an abuser and they will use every excuse they can think of to manipulate others into 'seeing things their way'.

While I do not think that physical fighting is ever the way to handle a situation I can say I do believe that there is a difference in someone getting stressed about loss of income or finances or whatever else and striking out. When this happens, yes it usually is a two-sided argument and one side or the other has a momentary lapse of control of their own anger and hits the other.

Domestic Violence is a continuos cycle! It begins with the small things that many do not recognize as even being abusive at first. Many women that I have talked to say that when they look back at it they clearly see now when it began but not at the time it was going on. Many start out with verbal abuse or mental abuse. Usually not escalating to physical abuse until they are sure their victim believes whatever threats they have made and they are sure they have complete and utter control over the victim.

Although I agree that men are responsible for the majority of physical domestic violence I believe that women are responsible for much of the verbal and mental abuse; they just never go as far as to start hitting to get their way. It is a fact of life that most women just simply are not strong enough to beat the crap out of a man on a regular basis. Manipulative women generally will use tears rather than their fists to get their way; because that is what works. Have you ever heard someone comment that a certain man is 'hen-pecked' or in days more colorful language 'pussy-whipped'.

People joke all the time about men wearing the pants in the family and I have heard a few even joke about the women controlling the belt that holds those pants up. Marriage and intimate relationships are supposed to be a 50/50 relationship, each person bringing their strengths and complementing the other to make things run smoothly in the household. Neither party should ever think they have the right to order the other about or be the 'boss' over the other.

Please take a look at the link I listed above and if you think you are in an abusive relationship please seek help with your local DV Shelter or agency. If you are not sure how to reach them call your state domestic violence hotline. If you can not find that number then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Before you leave an abusive relationship make a safety plan, if you can. VisitWomensLaw.org for legal info and state specific laws.

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