22 December 2009

Domestic Violence by Proxy versus Parental Alienation Syndrome from RightsForMothers.com

Link for RightsForMothers which is where I found the below.  I rarely like to just re-cycle a post, but this one was worth it.  

I found this on Associated Content.  It is a good discussion by Elaine Doxie:

  • Published: Fri December 18th, 2009
  • By: Elaine Doxie
  • Category: Dating & Relationships

From the time that Richard A. Gardner came out with his theory detailing Parental Alienation Syndrome, there has been a great deal of controversy over whether it was real or not. Parental Alienation Syndrome occurs when one parent pulls the children in as allies against the other parent. It may involve false allegations of abuse but is often abused as a defense where real abuse has occurred.When it is used as a defense in a case where real abuse has occurred, the children are the ones who suffer. They lose touch with a parent who was trying to protect them, and become pawns in the ongoing abuse of their other parent. This is when it becomes Domestic Violence by Proxy. The children are often forced into the position of becoming abusive themselves, although they probably do not see their own actions as being abusive.

Most often, the mother is the one in this unfortunate position. She may feel trapped into taking the abuse because she loves her children and doesn’t want to lose them. Her abuser, who is drunk on control, has found yet another way to control her by using the children. He thus continues his onslaught of abuse, making it domestic violence by proxy. The mother may have any number of reasons for having lost custody of her children. She may have given them up to him voluntarily, hoping that if she did, they would have a better life since he was more abusive to her than to the children. She may have been intimidated into giving up because he seemed to always win every battle, even when she knew she was right. She may not have had the strength and fortitude to carry on in what seemed to be a never-ending battle. He may have won in front of the judge because he seemed more in control of the situation.

The abuser may seem very charming to the children. All of a sudden, the children who were starved for attention by their father previously, have become the apple of his eye. He may tell the children that their mother never wanted them, while he was excited at the prospect of having children, when often, the exact opposite is true. He may shower them with expensive gifts that their mother cannot afford, and compare her gifts to his, finding hers lacking. He may prevent, or make it very difficult for the mother to see her children, then tell the children if she really loved them, she would be there. All of these things and more he uses to create the illusion that she does not love her children.

If she spends any time with her children at all, he will often stalk her during the time that she is with them. He tells the children that this is “for their protection.” They have no choice to believe him, although prior to the divorce they had no reason to ever be frightened when they were alone with their mother. Any information that the children bring back from their mother’s home is twisted in such a way that it can be used against her in attempts to get her in trouble with the law. This makes it dangerous for the children to be in her home, although she desperately wants to welcome them with open arms.

The biggest problem with domestic violence by proxy is that the courts all too often fail to recognize it or do anything about it. In fact, for all the lip service that we hear about helping victims of domestic violence in any form, there is very little done about it at all. Domestic violence is a huge problem that way too many people turn a blind eye to. It’s time to do something about it. Learn the signs, especially if you are in any kind of a position of power. If you are a judge, a lawyer, police, or anyone who can start the seeds of change, do so. Even if you are just the average layperson, report it when you see it. Don’t let your neighbors get away with it.

If I can change the world in one way, it will be that no person will ever lose their children to domestic violence again. This is the most painful loss as the children are still there, but unable to be a part of a loving mother’s life. The men that perpetrate this need to be held accountable for their actions.


Elaine Doxie said...

I wrote this article last year, and I am flattered that it has been printed here. I'm all too familiar with this issue as my ex husband took my children from me 5 years ago, and they have been turned against me. If there is anything further I can do to help this cause, I would like to. It's too late for me as my children have already been turned against me to the point where they are making false allegations, but if I can help keep this from happening to anyone else, I would like to.

Mommy said...

Again I cannot believe you still are painting this picture of yourself and your children. You are not a victim of anything but your bad choices you agreed to everything in court yet did not live up to it. If the children are so turned against you, why do they beg and plead with you to come see them? Why do they want you at all their functions? We have not and will not turn the children against you. However you do need to show up for them, care about them, take care of them, put them first for once.
You fill them with lies and call them abusers and their only crime is begging you to be their mother? You refuse to be in contact with us so we can work things out. You refuse to do your part and you are the victim? They only victim is the children.
The children have not gotten you in trouble you got yourself in trouble but it’s always someone else’s fault. If Dad had been the one to do what you have done the last 5 years he would already been in jail. The Family court judge, the parenting coordinator, the DA have all given you chance after chance yet it’s still not good enough for you realize that you have to help as well. You have to make an effort you have chosen not to see your kids in a year when you live less than 10 miles away. You have not even talked to the children in a month since I ended the last phone call because you where emotional blackmailing a 11 year old. (see story here http://lvbabymamadrama.blogspot.com/2011/03/why-should-child-ever-have-to-deal-with.html )
We have not kept you from the children nor do we keep the children from you it’s been your choices all along that have lead you to where you are right now. I know you are going to say I am stalking you and harassing you but you are doing the same to the children every time you post this garbage that is full of lies, half truths and your perpetual victim mentality. Every word that the children read hurts them more and more, then I have to convene the children you still love them and care for them. They stop me when I try to correct them about if they are loved or not, telling me to stop tyring to cover for you.
I have taken your side against my husband to get things done just so the children can see you, just to have you stab me in the back and not live up to what you promised. I tried to build a relationship with you so it could be easier on the children but no I am just all the derogatory names you husband and your self has called me in front of the children. No matter how much you thing by hurting my husband is going to satisfy some revenge on your part it is only destroying the children. Please see that you are hurting your children more then you will ever know and it has to end.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Why on earth would you post this about the children's mother? The difference between what the children's mother said, and what you said, is that her comments were not personal and she did not attack the father or you. On the one hand you say she is hurting the children by posting on a blog and then you turn and write about her in such a derogatory way. You attack her personally, in writing, in a public forum and then turn around and say that you are some how advocating for the children to have a relationship with her. Well I have news for you Step Monster. Actions speak louder than words. The children know very well how you feel about their mother, as does everyone else. So as long as they are stuck with you, they probably won't be kind to their mother without your approval. Try telling them to love their mother, to be kind to her. Bust them when they say rotten things about her and stop saying rotten things about her yourself. In the long run, she is their mother and they will return to her. Blood is thicker than water step-mommy dearest. Every negative remark you make about their mother will come back to haunt you some day.

Stop fighting over the children on the web. Their is a huge difference in this mother using her heartbreak and pain as a catalyst for helping others - for changing the system or helping other abuse victims who are caught up in it, and what you are doing which is stalking her on the web. You want the fighting to stop? Stop fighting. You want to end the tug of war? Drop the rope. You can't play tug of war in nobody is holding the rope on the other side.

You are someone's mother and you are someone's child. Would you want them doing to you or your mother, what you are doing to these children's mother?

You ought to be a ashamed of yourself.

Mommy said...

You are quick to judge something that is a longer story then can ever be said here. While I have made my choices in my actions that I felt are the correct course of acation some came out wonderful some not so wonderful some out frustration ect. In everything I can honestly say I tried to make it right between us and it failed every time.
Maybe I should be ashamed of myself for being frustrated? Should I be ashamed of stepping up to take care of the children? Or mabe ashamed to have combated her words with words of my own? Maybe I should be ashamed of hating her hurt the children over and over because I knowing it can be prevented. Maybe if more people did what was right vs. what is easy, things would be different. May if things where better and this was a perfect world that could happen. Maybe one day we will all get along and do what we should do for the children sake.
Until then I am supposed to take her words and not say anything? I’m supposed to sit back and allow her to hurt, scare, humiliate and taunt these children on line without having any say? I have reached out to make a better tomorrow for the children but the only thing she is interested in talking about is yesterday and how bad everyone is/was including the children. I would love to be able to have a working relationship with her as I do my ex-husband but she will not allow it.
When the kids cry for her I had them call her for her to tell them she would not talk to them when they are upset. If they invite her to events she tells them they are asking only to make her feel guilty. She is responsible for her relationship with the children. I encourage each and every one of them to contact her or speak to her about their relationship they are hurt and upset about a million things that she refuses to deal with, with them
I welcome a chance with her and her’s to make it right; however, I can’t make her do anything. I will not allow her to have her say without mine. I challenge you to ready those words and so many of her other writings through the eyes of 10 year old. See what they see in those word? No matter what I say they go back to her words. Even here http://elainesrantingspot.blogspot.com/ and other places. We will always do what’s right for the children in our view. She is intittled to thoughts feelings and views just as I am.
While I do hope and prey for change I’m also realistic to know that it takes allot of work, effort and drive. I think the children are worth it, I am just waiting for her.
So if that is something to be ashamed of then I guess I’ll live just have to live with that.

Elaine Doxie said...

I just read your comment, and I want to thank you for such kindness and compassion.

It seems like for everything that could possibly be construed as negative that I say about my ex, there is more than twice as much said about me.

I would not have even found this today had I not been informed that someone was plastering negative comments about me all over the web. I had my suspicions who it was, and it would seem I was correct. In the end, it just makes me sad, because I do love my children, and I hate that they are exposed to such negativity, but I'm just not very good at fighting. I just hope that someday they understand.

I'm so tired of being referred to as bio-mom, as if I'm some sort of biological weapon. I'm tired of being told about how much their stepmother cares, only to run across entire websites devoted to bashing me. I'm told that I'm the one doing all the badmouthing by someone who is badmouthing me far more than I ever badmouth her or my ex.

My only real crime is not wanting other women to be caught off guard by a court system that no longer grants custody to women automatically, like I was. I thought that in being the mother, custody would be easy to get, but not only was I wrong about that, I was also wrong about thinking that my ex would be willing to actually share the children. He continues to prove it even now by his actions, because although he claims to want me to see the children more, he threatens to take me back to court every time I start to link more than two visits together in a row. If he really wanted me to visit the children regularly, he would allow the children to visit more often.

Anonymous said...

I feel the need to voice my opinion as someone who knows this family and knows the situation. I know B
and R and their kids and have known them for quite some time. In the entire time I have known them, all
E does is make empty promises to her kids and breaks their hearts over and over. E will write terrible
lies about R & B, using her real name. B only uses initials, as I am here. The children read what E
writes, and their reaction just breaks my heart. E does not tell the truth, and is very vindictive. If
R is so terrible, then why are the children who are adults not running from him? As adults they
have the choice to stay or go. I have spent plenty of time with R & B and know they are loving, caring
parents. In the last year, E has seen her kids THREE TIMES..by HER choice. R & B set up for E to see the
children, and she either does not show up, or cancels at the last minute. She even cancelled seeing
2 of her boys ON THIER BIRTHDAYS after she PROMISED to come see them. She didnt even so much as call
and apologize.E can sure pour on the "poor me, Im so abused" but she is the ones abusing the children
with her lies and neglect.